OH HAI TIGER HAVE A SEAT PLEASE....

I WON'T EVEN EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOIN ON WITH TIGER IF YOU DON'T KNOW BY NOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND YOU LIVE UNDER THE BIGGEST ROCK EVER. WHAT TIGER DID IS BEYOND WRONG. BUT THIS TEXT MESSAGER IS EVEN WRONGER. IF WRONGER IS EVEN A WORD. EXCUSE TIGER WOODS HAVE A GOT DAMN SEAT PLEASE. WHILE I READ THIS TEXT.

Tiger: Hey Sexy I can't come out this week. Something came up family wise (July 20, 3:04 p.m.)

Jaimee: That's okay I hope everything is fine ... would have liked to see you

IS THE FACT YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS THE REASON YOU CAN'T MAKE IT OUT? OR IS CUZ YOU HAVE TO MEET MR. MIYAGI AND JET LI FOR THE NEXT ASIAN SECRET SOCIETY MEETING?

Tiger: We will make it happen

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday (July 26, 11: 22 p.m.)

I DON'T KNOW THIS BITCH BUT I KNOW BITCHES. SHE'S LYING. SHE JUST GOT DICKED DOWN BY THE ENTIRE WWE SMACKDOWN LOCKER ROOM.

Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone

LSDFDFSDFLKDF NIGGA YOU'RE A CORNBALL. "YOUR NAKED BODY" STFU NIGGA.

Tiger: alone with him that is

Jaimee: haha I wish

Jaimee: miss u (Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.)

Tiger: now that's hot so who is your new boy toy

Jaimee: no new boy toy ... still running dry... been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months :(

BITCH YOU'RE LYING ONCE AGAIN FOR NO REASON. JUST TELL THAT FOOL YOU'RE A WHORE HE KNOWS IT. CUT THE MALARKEY. IS GON' LET MY NIGGA TIGER SMASH OR NOT THE OFFER IS STILL ON THE TABLE.

Tiger: I need you

Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u

LMMFAO AT "GET YOUR TIGHT ASS OVER HERE" NIGGA DON'T LET THAT HO TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT. TEACH HER A LESSON.

Tiger: I will wear you out soon

Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing

Tiger: really. Where

Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it ... is on my cheek below my eye ... implanted a little diamond

:-/ YOU GONNA WEAR HER OUT SON? ARE YOU GONNA WEAR HER LIKE A SNUGGIE OR A FUBU JERSEY? YOU GOT THAT TJ DETWEILER RECESS SWAG GOIN TALKIN TO THIS SLUT CONGRATS!

Tiger: send it again. I didn't pick up on that

Tiger: you just need some attention from me

YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS ATTENTION ALSO.

Tiger: do you have a boy friend (8:45 p.m.)

Jaimee: I don't even have someone I am dating ... no ... u can be my boyfriend ;)

DO YOU HAVE A WIFE NOSEY ASS NIGGA?

Tiger: then I am

Jaimee: I wish

Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together

Tiger: when was the last time you got laid

Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha (Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.)

OWNED! BITCH AIN'T EVEN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. TIGER I'M GONNA SAY IT AGAIN TAKE CONTROL OF THE BITCH NOW!!! *BREAKS HUDDLE*

Tiger: oh god

Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf

LULZ WHORE SAID YOUR CAREER WAS BORING

Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)

Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding

Tiger: I know sexy

YOU KNOW YOUR JOB IS BORING?

Jaimee: is it orange county time yet? (Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.)

Tiger: oh stop :)

Jaimee: hahaha I know ... but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me ... im finding myself watching sports center ... haha j/k it isn't that bad

Tiger: its never been that bad

OH YES PLAYBWOI ITS THAT BAD!

Jaimee: very true ... I only watch football

YOU ONLY WATCH IT CUZ YOU'RE LOOKIN FOR YOUR NEXT VICTIM.

Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.

AYOOO THE FUCK NIGGA? YOU'RE GAY. HOW YOU NOTCIED THAT?

Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special

Tiger: why do I not believe that?

NIGGA I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T BLACK? AND THE FUCK YOU MEAN "I DON'T BELIEVE THAT" OF COURSE SHE FUCKED A NIGGA BEFORE. YOU THINK SHE LOOKED AT YOUR FRAIL ASS AND SAID "DAMN HE'S A REAL NIGGA I WANNA FUCK HIM". EITHER THAT OR SHE USING YOU AS A MEAL TICKET. *DING FUCKIN DING*

Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.

Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself

Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u ... the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn't and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing

Tiger: you are wrong I'm bone thugs in harmon

Jaimee: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week (Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.)

Tiger: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport

Tiger: don't text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now

I LAUGHED. CARRY ON TIGER! YOU SHOULDN'T BE TEXTING HER AT ALL. FO SHIZZLE!

Tiger: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)

DSLSDFHHDFKJDJKF YOU'RE NAUGHTY!!! (c)CHRIS FARLEY. NIGGA YOU LAME. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NAUGHTY AND VERY NAUGHTY? IS VERY NAUGHY HER SHOWING HER TITTIE IN THE CHICK FIL A LOBBY? AND I EVER WAS QUESTIONING YOUR RACE THAT CONFIRMED IT.

Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol ... besides im at work

SO YOUR TIT IN FRONT OF YA BOSS. THAT WOULD CLASSIFY AS VERY NAUGHTY.

Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it

SEE TOLD YA. AND NIGGA I THOUGHT A LOT OF FOLKS WERE AROUND LYING ASS NIGGA.

Jaimee: haha ur too much

Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport :( I am lonely now ... i like falling asleep in your arms (Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.)

Tiger: sorry baby I just can't sleep. Its just a problem I have.

Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning

Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn't sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more ... find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)

Tiger: Because I'm blasian :)

BLASIAN? HMM NO COMMENT

Tiger: I'm sorry babe. Im already home.

Jaimee: I'm putting my underwear back on ... thats a no no ... come take them off

Tiger: :) you are too funny

Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you (Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.)

Jaimee: u too love

WHAT HAPPENED TO BITCH SEND ME PICS NOW. TIGER YOU DESERVE TO LOSE YOUR GATORADE TO A DEHYDRATED STEEZ. NIGGA WHO SAYS NAUGHTY? I'M GONNA START SAYING THAT TO SEE HOW FAR IT GETS ME. MAYBE I CAN PULL SUSAN BOYLE :hat. TIGER I'VE NEVER PRAYED IN MY LIFE BUT I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. YOU GOT THAT AWKAWARD ONLY 6 FOOT TALL KID IN THE 4TH GRADE SWAG. STRAIGHTEN THAT SHIT UP TYGA! FO SHIZZLE!